about a girl who couldn't grow a garden

That morning she fell into anger... the kind of anger people later talk about as freeing. She found all her sprouts planted two weeks ago dead. They were so proudly and blissfully tiptoeing up all those days and now they are all laying there, just laying there.
She didn't want to cry or try again as she used to so many times before, she just felt raging fury being born. Yes, being born! This is what she was carrying all this time under her chest. That is what was causing all the pain and helplessness. Something had to be born, she knew it, but never had she thought about this. Nevertheless this newborn child felt wonderful- truly her own and right on time. As she looked into it's eyes she knew- anger makes her who she is. When she gets angry, she does and says truly what she means with such profound honesty, that it's almost cruel. I think it's time to fall in love with that healthy anger and stop pretending that we are all surrounded by the cotton, that the world is soft and we are protected from the unwanted, uncomfortable, irritating, lustful, brutal, tragic or painful....
Again and again the sprouts wilt screaming into hear ears:
- finally see Death!..
She stumbled upon Death so many times and fell so hard on her knees, she couldn't stop crying or get up- yet she couldn't talk about it, nor understand it, because witnessing Death and really seeing it is different. There is a purpose for it. There is a reason for living ones be left behind, if it's a journey. But what if it's a stop... then there is a reason to be loud and scream with all Your might all You can and all You should.
She stood there in front of her dark dry soil filled with little bodies and she wept out all the pain she kept closed behind the glass show-case, then dried up her tears and decided to do things differently- openly, bravely and with no regret or guilt of Truth.

... my most intimate, powerful, wonderful demons I love to the bones. The moment they appear- of course I try to deny them, but when embraced they become so sweet and so desirable... In the shadows of my eyelashes they dwell as dragons in their lairs, when woken up they crawl down my skin, making it shiver and take over the fears and uncertainties I thought I had. Funny enough they make me realise I have no fears at all. And what I thought was fear, was just the lack of self understanding...
When loved and grasped these demons wake up all my body, open up my eyes and release everything that grew to stand still in my mind.
Without anyone else's opinions or ideas planted into my head in this state I am fully me.
Funny how we try to shield ourselves and usually others as well from things we consider dark. But the power of it, when handled with care and respect is unquestionable. At this moment I am as if a mirror in front of a mirror- visions are endless and my chest is topfull of breath-full moments of immense love to everything.

raisins and letters

I love mornings, when I find letters in the box- those are good mornings... it's incredible to know, understand and digest the fact that someone really cares about You in another corner of the World, has the time to think of You and wish You well. Life has blessed me with great friends and teachers- of that I'm sure and I will never stop being thankful for it.

Interesting time lately- waking up from a dream... from a dream where I wanted to please everyone and fit in, from a dream of trying to make something of myself, that I thought I wanted, but yet it was only the projection of many before me. So... these days I reclaimed myself by simple acts. It's even silly how simple some ways are to just feel like Your self again. I listened to some great jazz and swing music, I wrote a lot of random ideas down, I've set a goal to myself... feels like a beginning to a new year- it's as if we really do have new year coming individually. I wake up with the spring... how great does that sound. Hopefully, the ice will melt soon, I want my body running with rivers of Life, blooming and echoing with voices.

From this day on I will not silent my voice just to please the people around me and I will do things my way. I always thought that I wanted to be in a community, fit in, be loved, have purpose by simple acts. Yes, I want that purpose, but I see now, that by silence and fitting in I'm hurting myself. I don't want to be like anyone else. I'm me, with all the kookoo stuff in my head and random things that I want to do or try out in Life. I was trying to fit in a box like a cat... just that, this box- as cute as it seams, it's a little to small. I'm not just one thing I do, I am those many, different things I do or want to and I just have to stop trying to limit myself. So when people next time ask me what I do in life, I'd probably say, I'm a story teller. Doesn't matter the media or tools for it. The things I care about- I do care about deeply, but I was always afraid of going to the point, when there has to be something done about it. Something finished, something with the result. So until next spring- it is about the results. Perhaps one or two, but this will be more than in a few years and I would be very happy with that. So... this is my commitment to myself, officially. I have to make myself happy.

Popo is worried

... Popo found a nest full of eggs~ "I wonder who is inside those?" he thought to him self... Then he noticed that there's no one else around. "Where's their mommy?..." - Popo got worried. "Oh dear, if she doesn't come back, I will have to keep them warm..., but I cannot fit in there..., oh dear..." so instead he thought really hard about the brightest, most warm thing he could ever think of and embraced eggs with that thought and they were warm and cozy until their mommy came back.

and in that moment I swear we were infinite

this film just extorted something very vulnerable from within me.. the mirrors in the tunnel full of songs while embracing something very infinite, something so untouched, so pure and full of happiness. For no apparent reason. We could be heroes, just for one day....

Uhur's dreams

This little dragon, sleeping in the sand, is Uhur~ He's one of the most big hearted creatures I've ever met... one day he told me a story about his 'sleeping period'... You see, he's a happy dragon... he brings happiness to everyone that is : ) He works a lot, flying around the world and hugging people and animals, when they need comfort... After so much travelling, he gets tired and has his sleeping period for about three weeks and at that time he worries a lot in his sleep: how is that old lady doing, has she got better yet? How is that puppy's leg healing? Did the boy find his bike? Has she mended her heart already?...and so on... He dreams and dreams about all he has met through his travels and worries... deep in his heart he is gaining strength, so right after he's awake he could travel again. He loves everybody this much, You see... and then I asked him, if I could come and hug him in his sleep, because he worries so much and maybe he could feel better. He said 'yes'. ♥

the voice

I hold my old unicorn close to my chest and listen to her whispering... What is it about the words of the mystical beings, that right after you hear them, you forget? I'm quite sure, that all she was telling, were very important things. And just like after any other dream, I wake up with a slight feeling of emptiness and yet- hope, that I will see her again and then listen more carefully. 

I draw her portraits, try to outguess her name and call her, I ask others if anybody has seen her, but all remains the same- she comes when she's willing and speaks the words I keep forgetting... I can only hope, that my body remembers, so I can dance it out... and as I listen to the distant drumming I dance with every cell and embrace every story, every emotion, that I'm given. Cry out loud from my chest the dreams of tomorrow...

And then she comes again- on a blank sheet of paper she leaves her trace and whispers gently the most important things...

...someday.

I'll remember.